How to What???

While doing research for a writing project this past weekend, I stumbled upon a hilarious article that I thought I’d share--an article on how-to kiss. Okay, maybe I was punchy. It was a rainy day and I’d been working for a lot of it. Or, maybe I’m twelve, but this article cracked me up. Anyway, here are some highlights:

Exfoliate your lips with sugar to make them smooth and sweet. Count me in on this one! This beats shoving an entire cupcake into one’s mouth when in need of a sweetness fix.

“Look inviting and approachable.” Well, that’s sort of hard to argue with, isn’t it? And, um, kind of obvious, no?

“Make eye contact and then move your gaze briefly down to the person's lips. Then move your eyes back up to meet theirs and smile demurely. You don't have to be really obvious about it. Many people will take the hint, especially if they've read one of the many articles that lists this as a sign that a person wants to kiss or be kissed.” Read one of the articles? What? Okay, someone break the news to me, please: Was I supposed to read articles on this kissing business before breaking into it? Gulp.

“If you ‘overpucker’ your lips will become tense, which is better for the platonic peck, not for romance.” Isn’t this called over thinking something? I’m just asking.

The article goes on and on, getting into details and linking to articles such as how to kiss with braces, how to deal with bad kissers, and how to air kiss (how to air kiss?). And what kissing article would be complete without the proper warning: “Be aware that kissing (especially deep kissing) may transmit infectious diseases, such as herpes or infectious mononucleosis.” Okay, yes, but that’s just icky, especially after having just gone to the effort of exfoliating with sugar.

For those of you brave enough or curious enough to want more of this, here’s the link: http://www.wikihow.com/Kiss Beware, though: There is a video. I have not checked it out, so I can’t comment, but I can imagine. You’ve been warned.

Where was the internet when I was uncertain about whether I’d need such step-by-step instructions on how to lip lock?